Wonderful, wonderful Watt.

On March 25, 2010 I had asked myself: Will I want to remember this date? Given that it is now past the 25th of March, by as many days as it is now that I am posting this post, and I have remembered the date, the answer is yes.

What makes the 25th a memorable day, when, for everyone else, it was just a Thursday? On that Thursday I met beautiful, intense, intelligent and wonderful Watt. The next day, a Friday, Watt and I spent more than a couple of hours on the phone realizing that we have many things in common, one of them being a love for metaphysics and the keen desire to live by, as much as we can, what we learn.

Yes, Watt would seem to be an unusual name for someone, male or female (and, to settle it, Watt is male), but, no, as you may have surmised, Watt is not his actual name. Watt is, however, the blog name we're going with for this man who I am now dating; a man who, among other things brilliant, has a smile brighter than a thousand watt bulb.

Oh, dear Gawd, yes, his smile has such an effect on me that I do, cliché as it is, find myself pulling from a string of over-used words (thousand watt smile) to describe the reaction I experience when Watt's smile is directed at me. (And, yes, yes I did go there to assist me in giving him a blog name which falls outside my standard 2-3 adjectives as a name format.) Even at the slightest turning up of the corners of his mouth I need to catch my breath, and then I need to exhale the wonderful force of everything in me that rises up to meet him.

(I'm not kidding, somewhere there is a metaphysical cheerleader in some corner, pushing up pom poms and jumping up and down while pushing out, "Go! Yay! Their energies connect! GooooOOO UNIverse!)

It might just be me who is affected thus by this smile of his, and by what is swirling within and around him that I can see and feel. I get that. But while my experiences in life do lead me to believe that I might be more sensitive than most to the energy (energies) within others (only by just a wee bit), if it is only me affected so, I am accordingly convinced that any other person who is not at least touched, in some way, by this man's presence (manifested through his smile) is probably blind and/or has been the unfortunate victim of an overall deadening of all sensory perception. (Sucks for them. Sounds like a bad horror movie.)

They’d probably the same people who I don’t have much of an effect on, being the intense presence I am (that’s not bragging, just reality), and, well, yeah…they’re probably dead inside. Moving on. (Sometimes we all might have better luck interacting with a wall than people like that, those dead-sense-flat-liner people.)

Truly, in my opinion, Watt’s heart and his soul move through his mouth in the way that a healer's energy moves through their hands. He has other epicenters—other ways in which what is within him comes out (we all have many), but I’m going to be stuck on his lips, his smile, the smile in his eyes, for a while, thank you.

Oh, and, yum (Yowie-yum!), it should be added that as a woman, there are facts about him not lost on me. A lot more of me shakes, quivers even, because of him. (Although, I hate that I am using the word quiver; this word that used to be good but has since been reduced and relegated to the world of romance novels.) What I am trying to tell you is that Watt is friggen handsome as hell with his dimples, his strong jaw, his gorgeous light greenish-gray/blue eyes (I can't decide the color, they change), traits which put their special stamp on the over six feet of him. It should be noted, though, that it wasn't until after we'd gone out a few times that I realized how good looking he is.

That my sound weird, but for me, at first and still, everything beautiful about him pours as easily forth from his smile, and from his being, as gravity lets flowing water rapidly fall from a cliff. I've never met anyone whose mouth is such a perfect mirror of the story behind their eyes. His mouth and eyes so effortlessly manifest his insides, and what comes from within him, it is what first attracted me to him.

The rest of the girl in me, who was like, "Holy shit! You're handsome," had to catch up to my intense attraction to his core. That is probably why every time I kiss those luscious, begging-to-be-enjoyed lips of his, my being continues to rise up to meet him, then jumps up at attention a second time when everything animal and base and human and normal in me thinks: Bonus! You're hot.

Not everything is coming out of him, though. He holds stuff back, of course. I can feel that, too. We’ve only just started dating, and he’s a man, so…duh. There is a lot that men don’t say. Even a man like Watt, who is evolved beyond his gender and his age, keeps things close. (Besides, let's just say it. I am not a feminist, but rather a realist, and many men never evolve at all. So there’s that we have to accept.)

I can even sense each moment he diligently leaves details out, although I can't say that he always knows he’s doing it, and, I can’t intuit why these details go missing, as I never sense they are a big deal or anything I should worry about or never feel they are anything that I would feel threatened by. Part of me feels he’s protecting himself. Another part of me thinks he thinks he’s protecting me. He may think certain details won’t settle right with me. But, there again, I am not bothered, whatever it is. This information is his to keep until he chooses whether or not to share more with me. I only mention it because I've felt it.

Fortunately, what he mostly holds back seems to be his human shit. And I say shit because the human part of us that is scared and has an ego, and that lets (cause we can't always help it) fear delegate some of our actions, well that part, it is shit. It’s the same shit in me. It’s what I hold back. It’s my fears. It’s the same shit we are all trying to get over and work past so we can get to the real us and get to the more enlightened connections with each other.

So I can’t hold that against him or against myself.

Although, if and when he lets out some of what he’s holding back, exposing more of his humanity, the vulnerability of his human stuff will start to get mixed in with the part of his being that pushes its way out so beautifully (beyond his human stuff) I’m going to be in for an even more amazing ride. I’ll feel honored (as we all should feel honored when people let us see their humanity. It's one of the highest trusts and best compliments). It will allow me to compliment and honor him with more of me.

What I think it is... No, I know, he and I, we’re in that early phase. We are at that place where two people look at each other and think: Holy cow! This is pretty awesome (whatever this is) that you and I met. You’re bitchen. I’m bitchen. This rocks.

Then, the more we feel ourselves attracted to the other person, and the more our vertical hearts start to invest in this person, regardless of what chatter the mind has to offer in an effort to attempt to slow down and sabotage the heart’s investment (Note: Our linear minds are never rational), so begins that whole: no-no-no, you-go-first ride.

Together you reach the point when you both know that someone has to be vulnerable first. Someone has to take a chance, not just to support and further the connection you’ve made together, but to also support one’s own personal journey which is enriched by the experience of this other person.

Who is going to go first with Watt and me? Good question. I think we’ll pace each other and we’ll be like a short sling-shot, taking turns pulling back and catapulting further, inevitably bringing the other along. It probably won't take long. Likely a lot of this sling-shotted dance will be abetted by wine (which is how it’s gone so far and how it goes with most folks). Right now, we’re both past getting our feet wet, and I think we can both feel ourselves wanting to dive in (there’s too much energy between us not to jump in and see where it goes) but neither of us has gotten in past their waist yet.

Okay, so...the goods? How'd this start? Where’d we meet? Where is this going?

The truth? I don't know where this is inevitably going. My intuition has presented some possibilities, all good (as all roads to enlightenment are inevitably good) but I'm keeping those possibilities to myself right now and have no desire to blog about that. I know an open mind, and open heart, and an open being, which will all keep me here Now, is what is most important. So, we'll see.

What I will say right now is that it's been a long time since I've been in the company of a man who makes me feel like I am the girl. I’m enjoying allowing this man let me dare to be something other than the girl who can take care of herself and who projects (willingly or not) that I’m independent/I don’t need you. Turns out, I am a girl. I want the guy to call. I want to see him. I want like a girl wants.

It’s scary, though, letting.

Oh, hell yes it’s scary. Everything human in me is revolting. (Man, normal sucks some times. Samn it!) Thus, I am being challenged by the universe (directly) and by him (not directly, but through what I know to be the gift of him), to let myself… And if you need to be reminded, I’m not a girl who lets. Yes, I let energy. Yes, I let experience. But no, I don't always "let" where men or new people are concerned.

This not because I am judgmental. Quite the opposite. You've probably learned by now that I am less judgmental than most. It is because of my sensitivity to energy.

Contrary to how open I appear to be to most, and I am open in many respects, I actually have a hard time letting people in if I can't immediately feel from them that there is potential value in the exchange that I will have with them. What I mean is: if I meet an asshole and know and/or feel a person is an asshole, most times I don't see the value of letting an asshole into my life. I've had dealings with assholes already, and I've realized that the most important thing to be learned from an encounter with an asshole is to just stay as far away from the asshole as possible. Rarely does any good come from an exchange with an asshole.

Assholes are, fortunately, the exception to what usually comes one’s way, but the point is more clearly made by using the asshole as an example of a detectable energy and the possible experience that will be gotten from this energy. Transversely, there are others, people, I've encountered where I may not know if the friendship will last, if the love will endure, or if the circumstances will be on my side, but I do know, more often than not (right from the beginning), that, regardless of the outcome, what I will receive and what I will give to this person (what will be exchanged) will be of value to both of us. Lessons will be learned. Growth will happen.

I know that not all lessons are easily come by. Sometimes it is through the dents and the scrapes we get that offer us our most valuable lessons. I've been there. Sometimes it is through the love we receive and the dressing of our wounds, on our own or aided by others, that we learn other things that are invaluable. I've been there, too.

To that end, the value of any encounter with Watt was almost immediately as evident as the very nose on my face. I didn't know whether what was to come between us would be a big exchange (lengthy: months to years) or a small one (weeks to months), or even whether because of this new connection with him I would end up licking new wounds or healing old ones (or both). But I knew, instantaneously and inherently, the worth of knowing him. (BTW, since meeting him I'm a feel'n like I will be healing some old wounds and if we both remain open enough to recognizing the blessing of our connection, we’ll both get to enjoy even more from each other for a longer while.)

Unfortunately, my sensing (intense sensing) that Watt is a part of my path, someone that I was supposed to connect with, does not let the letting through any easier. Well, it does a little, but not as much as I'd like. I’m getting better at working with the tools my energy is borrowing to learn and evolve: this human body, this hindering mind. But I’m still stumbling around in the dark here most times like every other temporary earthbound form. (Ah, shit, I just felt the most un-signed-up of the metaphysical trekers check out after that remark. Well, good luck to you in your journeys.)

Anyway, I (almost) can't remember when last I wanted to crawl inside someone so much because I was so mentally and physically attracted to them. It’s intoxicating, being with Watt. So wherever this is going, I like where it is right now. I like where I am now with it.

I've met a man I want to spend time with. I've met someone I want to get to know while I get to know myself even more. I want to be with him in The Now, whatever that comes to mean in each moment.

In one moment that meant him telling me that he thought I was amazing and hot. He flashed his grin, drew in a deep breath, looked around my apartment (at all my paintings), then back at me, and said it again as he exhaled, “I think you are amazing.” (He wasn’t just talking about my paintings, so you can imagine how that filled me.)

I just loved it! To be seen, and by him? Hello? What girl doesn’t want to hear that she’s amazing, that’s she’s beautiful, and that the guy in her life thinks she’s hot. He could tell me a thousand times any of these things and more. I’d never get sick of hearing them from him. He’d just be bringing me into him more than he already has.

Plus, and this is odd, while I think I’m cute, pretty enough to some, better or worse to others (it's all objective in the end) few men in my life have said out loud to me that they think I am some variation of pretty, cute, or beautiful, or whatever a man tells a woman he’s with about how she looks to him, so Watt has been one of the few men who have verbalized it. I liked it. I want to keep liking it.

I know. You’re probably still stuck on that. Stuck on how it is that very few men in my life have complemented my looks. It is especially weird when you consider, whether I’m hot or not, that telling a chick she’s pretty, or some variation, is the go-to for most men while trying to get laid. Sure, plenty of men have tried to sleep with me, but that’s never been their primary tactic, the you-are-so-beautiful thing. I can’t even think of some of the tactics used on me right now, but complementing my looks mostly ain’t been it.

Shoot, just a couple of weeks ago I went out with Chad and Heather on one of the nights Watt had to cancel our plans, and some joker tried to put the moves on me then. Vaguely I remember him telling me that he didn’t care if I’d just started dating someone, and thought I shouldn’t care either, but I can honestly say I don’t remember him making a reference to my looks to up his game. Well, he did make some comment about the way I was dressed, about me being old school, because I was wearing a T-shirt, jeans, and flip flops, but never anything about me being pretty. Plus, all gangster types think someone without tattoos and mutliple piercings are old school so he may as well have just said, “Where’s your flare, bitch?”

One time Chloe and I discussed this, that men rarely compliment my looks, and she told me she thought it was like the smart girl thing, or the fat kid thing, where people won’t or don’t state the obvious. But Chloe is a knockout, ridiculously gorgeous (we’ve covered this) and she still hears as much quite often. Again, every friend of mine who has ever met Chloe has commented on how pretty she is. Every time we are out men tell me they think she's gorgeous.

Hmm. Now that I think about it, maybe it’s the energy I put out, that since I place so much value on what is on the inside that’s what people can probably sense from me and they don’t pay any tribute to the human girl on the outside who is still just a girl and who isn’t going to mind, not one bit, hearing that she’s pretty. (I’ll never know what it is, exactly. Or, maybe one day it will make sense. Everything does eventually. Right?)

Anyway, as much as I always laugh and smile (it's just easier and an easier way of life than being pissed off), a lot of my recent smiling has been dedicated to Watt, thinking of things he's said or ways he's looked at me. That's a good thing. It's always better when a man is making you smile than disappointing you.

Oh, and if that point seems obvious to some, I know it’s not to others. There are still those of us out there, girls, who gauge how much they like a guy by how upset he makes her. Some women think feeling pain is what it is supposed to feel like. It’s not. Me? If I start to notice myself being continually let down or feeling disappointed by a man, I know something ain’t right. I listen to that. (I’ve said it before: The man worth your tears will not make you cry.)

In what has been such a short amount of time with Watt, has been time spent where the hours on end (in each of the nights we’ve shared) feel so light they've stacked themselves like minutes turning into seconds, then seconds bursting at the seams to be the next Now, and it feels great.

Next I may write about how it started and where and how we met. I am not sure.

But for now I just want to add, again with the biggest grin on my face, that for our first date he showed up with, instead of flowers, an Alan Watts CD. Just as fun, is that he has my favorite flowers, sunflowers, planted in his backyard and diligently chose to bring the CD instead of the flowers, even though he already knew my favorite flowers. (Good sigh... LUV that!)

Really. It's brilliant. Not just the bringing of the Alan Watts CD (which, I am just now realizing as I write this, becomes a sort of a double entendre for my smile guy’s blog name, Watt,which I did not intend), but the gift itself, the CD. Watt is a man on a quest for the truth and Alan Watts, the late philosopher and spiritual teacher, has been just one step in his journey. Watt, my watt (my smile guy) wanted to share the other man’s teachings, Alan Watts, with me. Oh how that delights me.

What a sexy, metaphysical beast I find my smile guy to be! I already love him for that!

Oh, don't get freaked out by my use of the word love. I do love him. There would be no reason for me not to feel pure love towards him. I am loving him in the way I would hope we would all love, purely and easily. Love is who we are before we are anything else, and if someone allows you to feel yourself, if you can see them for who they are, and they can see you, why wouldn’t that be the radiant love we’re supposed to feel?

So… for Now, yum. For now, love. For Now, I’m breathing in. I’m breathing out. For Now, I feel grateful for this new person/energy in my life and feel even more blessed for what this connection may offer me that is yet to come.

Keep being fabulous!