Being open comes before being ready...

So yesterday Ava, gracious with her time, took me around to look at potential new places to live. Yes, I have absolutely decided that I can no longer live in a place where, because butt-head neighbors have irreversibly contaminated the energy, my home is not my sanctuary anymore.

Is this one of the hardest changes I’ve had to make? What do you think? I’m up. I’m down. I’m ready. I can do it. I’m not ready. I can’t.

The whole time I was looking at places with Ava I was excited at the prospect of a new place. This morning I am, too, and to that end I am taking myself to breakfast and then to check the neighborhoods out. But yesterday, when Ava dropped me off from our lunch/place-looking date, and as I’d returned home, walked up my drive, past Sparrow’s place, and past all the other neighbors who are my friends (and have become like family over the years), including and especially Chad and Heather, then arrived at my place to see my own mini front yard (with the garden I’ve grown and the happy pink and red hollyhocks winking at me), once I stepped through the threshold of my front door, I broke down in tears (just after I snarled towards the butt-head’s place).

Change is good. I know it is. And the universe is telling me it is time for a change. But this has been my home for 13 years. There is nothing about this place that I don’t love except the butt-head neighbors. Okay, my small kitchen has always been a point of contention, and I really would like more space in my living room, but I've been living with a small kitchen and a small living room for all these years and I know how to get around it. (It's called stacking high. Build up, my friends. That's how you take advantage of space).

Fortunately, just after my run this morning (which was planned so I could eat-treat again, or eat emotion again...not sure) I ran into Sparrow. She reminded me that first you open yourself up to change, then, little by little, you become ready. “Just because you’re open, and getting ready, doesn’t mean you are going to be fully ready overnight,” She said. “This is a big deal, it will take some time. But you know more than anyone if the universe is sending you a message, it’s time to listen.”

So, I am open. I am looking. I will be ready when I find the right place which I can also afford. Ava said it best yesterday, when she reminded me that, yes, a lack of money does mean a lack of choices, but that’s all. The right thing will come. Except, in my world, a lack of money is the biggest part of this. And that’s a lot. It’s why I’ve lived in the same place for 13 years. Insanely great rent in a great neighborhood, who’d give that up, especially when you are your own team?

Look, I come from a great family, but we are not a close family. I might hear from my parents five times a year, on holidays, birthdays, whatever. They never call just to just see how my life is going. What I am getting at, is that if I fail, if I start paying a chunk more in rent, then things crap, I don’t have the luxury of my family having my back. Jen’s got my back. That I know. If it all shit’s the bed, she’ll take me in.

But this place, this home that I’ve built for myself, it’s seen me through 4 layoffs, countless relationships, and on the list goes. This place has been my husband, my parent, my sanctuary, my garden, my fall back. It’s never let me down. I know that’s a lot to put into a place, but I am more so saying that’s what I have gotten out of this place.

It’s hard to imagine another place offering that. It’s hard to willingly pay $300-400 more a month in rent utilities (which is, at least, what I am going to be paying) and I won't know what potential evils are ahead. What I mean is, here I Know my evil. It’s the butt-heads. A new place, there could be neighbors who are even worse. (Okay, I know, that’s negative, but it’s also a reality I am facing and the fear I am trying to conquer.)

Alright…time to keep looking for the new place. I’ll find it. I’ll be ready. It will be a fabulous place!