Um… Reeeadyyy. Can we get this party started?

Now that I think about it, you want to know what sucks about all this bad butthead neighbor stuff? Because I have now reached a personal space where I really do want to share my life with someone, while it took me a long time to get here, to want to give up my wonderful single-cocoon space and want to find another butterfly, now that I am here I feel like I want to light a match under the Universe's ass to make it happen. Not because I am not patient or cannot wait a little longer for the right man in the right time. I am patient. Shoot, given my track record, I’m patient alright. I can wait.

But were my man to get here a little sooner than later, I'd be able to stay the night at his house sometimes and thus be able to avoid my butthead neighbors until I can figure out if I am ready to, or can afford to, buy a condo. (The final layoff ax at work drops at the beginning of June. Ugh! Can I really make it that long with living next to these buttheads?)

Yeah, yeah, that’s lame, using a boyfriend for his bed so I can avoid my neighbors. I know. But, first of all, that’s what you do when you have a boyfriend, you have sleep overs. Plus, I doubt he’d mind and I don’t snore. He’d have gotten some before we went to sleep. I’m also pretty good at giving some, at doing that saki-saki thang, so I have been told. So? Where is the problem?

Does this all sound a little crazy? Well, maybe I wasn’t clear enough about just how much my neighbors, with their name calling, their noise, their driveway blocking, their spitting, and their basic F’U attitude, are stressing me out. It is so much so that I’ve now cried twice over it.

Let’s review again. I’m sappy. Way sappy. I’ll cry at a long distance commercial. I’ll cry happy at every good movie ending. I’ll cry for any child in danger. I’ll cry for cruelty to animals. However, I rarely, if ever, cry over situations like this one with my butthead neighbors. I refuse to waste that energy. Nope. I have to get pushed to my breaking point. The fact that it’s taken more than two years for the stress of them, and their inconsideration, to bring me to tears shows how beyond dealing with them I’ve become.

These tears of mine haven’t been invited. They’ve pushed their way out because my frustration and exhaustion has no where else to go. That’s why I think some nights away from the buttheads, and some nights getting laid, might help. (Couldn’t hurt.)

Man, why can’t I just be a who-cares-who-the-guy-is slut!?

What's sad, though, and I think we’ve also covered this before, is that there is rarely a guy that I am interested in. Sure, sure, we all say that and it is true for all of us, but I’m still betting my abstinence track record, which is based on my inability to be with someone who may not be substantial in my life, speaks pretty loud. Thus, my chances of sleeping over at someone else's house in the near future are look’n pretty slim.

It's that whole intuition thing of mine, where I sense a good guy or a bad-guy and then there becomes the whole I-won’t-waste-my-time-with-this dude thing. It is a liability, my intuition, when it comes to just hanging out with any ol' guy.

That’s why much of the time when I go out there aren't many men who interest me, who arouse my intuition. If there were, if I didn’t have a sense in the beginning with some guy that there’s no reason for something to get off the ground, I'd already be sleeping at some guy’s house and not being woken up at various hours of the night with loud thumps from the butthead neighbors.

I’m not kidding. A little relief here, universe? My butthead neighbors suck.

I have been interested in this one guy at work, but him, we'll call him Shy-Guy, that's... Uh. Yeah. Running out of energy on that one. Maybe I’ll explain that one/him later.

Then there is Ava's fix up guy, who I am still very interested in the idea of, but since I have yet to meet Mr. Fix-up, I have no idea if we will connect. The fact that we still have not met is leading me to believe that it will not happen at all.

Again, this has nothing to do with Ava, my fixer-upper. She's given him my digits and email. It appears to be on him. I could have this wrong, but he really does seem to be the hold up. He told Ava that he thought I was cute, and that he wanted to meet me, but he wanted to get more details first. Getting these details has not happened for about a month. Ava has set up coffee dates, and made calls to him, but due to life happening, these multiple coffee dates, and her attempts to call, to give said details, have gotten rained out.

It’s fine that Ava and he have not been able to meet up. In my mind, the meeting in person is not what matters. What matters is that I know that if he wanted the goods on me enough, he would get them over the phone. Hell, if he really wanted them enough, he could get them/ask for them in a phone message or in an email.

Of course Ava would say:

She's brilliant. (Okay, I am smarter than the average bear. Basically, I’m not a dumb-shit.)
She's gorgeous. (Okay, she can say that I am at least better than average looking with a contagious smile.)
She's artistic ('nuf said)
She's spiritual not religious (Alright, that’s a little Match dot com, but it’s true.)
She's funny on good days (on bad days, mildly amusing.)
She doesn't date much because she doesn't like to waste her time with anyone who will not add value to her life.

And, while getting details about me appears to matter to him, which I can respect, getting them any time soon does not appear to matter. Once more, I am only going on how things look to me from the outside, so I could have it all wrong. But, even if Ava tells me he is a patient, patient man, and while patience is a great quality, after almost a month, at this point, I am starting to wonder whether it is his patience or something else entirely that is in play here.

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something about him. Maybe this guy is not in the same place I am. He may not actually want to meet me, or want to meet anyone at all for that matter. He may not even be conscious that he, perhaps, does not want to meet someone.

After all, the best way to find out about a person, and see if you could be interested in them, is to talk to the source. He’s decided to instead wait to get details on me from Ava. And while I do not take any of this personal, as stuff like this is never personal (he doesn’t even know me) in the general sense this dragging of his feet is becoming a turn off. Just because something isn’t personal doesn’t mean it isn’t possibly a tell tale of who a person might be.

The truth is, I do not have to know him. I know human nature. Not because I am smarter than anyone else, but because I read about it every chance I get. And, every girl likes a man who has enough interest in her that he shows it. The reason is, a man who wants something goes and gets it. Who doesn’t want to be the thing a guy wants?

So, when a guy, if he has not met a girl yet, does not even show that he’s interested in meeting this girl, who could be a girl he might want (if he wants a girl at all) or when a guy appears to be putting off getting the face-to-face thing going, that says something. A month is not really a long time in the scheme of things, but things are so much easier than people make them. A man need only make one call and ask a couple of questions. Or, he need only call the girl himself directly. It doesn’t get any simpler than that.

Of course it does not break the deal that he’s not shown very much initiative. After all, he’s tall, nice, spiritual, and on and on goes the good stuff Ava has told me about him, so he gets a little more leeway. But, I can admit that if I’d have just met this guy, or if this suggestion to be fixed up with him came from someone who I did not respect as much as I respect Ava, by now, if I didn't know how much she seems to respect him, I might have said, “F’ it. I’m out. This guy doesn’t seem to be into it.”

I know that sounds harsh, and that’s probably why I am still single, but, having been courted by more than a few really great men, through fix ups and other wise, and not having had this experience before, experiencing a guy who doesn’t seem all that keen to get to the part where he’s making the first move so we can get it going or get going in our own directions, is new to me.

That’s why something just seems off. I mean Ava is a totally stand up gal. If he can’t trust that she wouldn’t suggest someone for him who is great, too, if he cannot just go with that, or if he doesn’t want to put himself out there enough to make it happen, and/or work harder to get those details well… I don’t know. I really don’t.

Shit, maybe he got his details and Ava doesn’t have the heart to tell me he’s not interested anymore. That’d be funny. But that would be great. Really. That means my energy could get back to balance again. I have to admit that this situation has jacked with my energy a bit. For the last month I can feel myself more so focused in his direction than being generally open to what may still be coming.

That doesn’t work for me.

That is also what I think I am starting to react to and what is beginning to turn me off. This guy, whether he realizes it or not, and whether he wants to or not, is sharing an energy field with me. Yes, that sounds kooky and granola like, but if you have ever heard about collective energy, it’s along those lines. The point is, because he and I are connected by this situation he is tapped into, as am i, this specific, energy I haven’t been able to shake.

And, until this situation finds a resolution, until it reaches 1 out of 4 of the most natural outcomes: We work together, we don’t work, I find someone else, or he finds someone else, the energy, which is stuck in the beginning cycle, is getting more and more clogged up.

All things have a cycle, hence the life cycle. The life in each cycle is the energy. Energy undergoes transmutation, like the birth to the death cycle. Energy doesn’t die; it changes into another nature, substance, form, or condition. And because all energy forms are either potential or kinetic, and potential energy comes in forms that are stored, one of those forms being gravitational, I feel like the gravitational energy between us is getting weighted down. It’s festering. More simply, rather than making me curious and more interested, this situation is starting to make me feel disenchanted.

Put more clearly, the energy that’s kept me focused on him is clogging up my ability to be generally open to someone else potentially coming into my life. That energy would immediately shift if my man was standing in front of me, which would be awesome. But since my man, if it is not Mr. Fix Up, is not as readily tangible as Mr. Fix Up is, and since my man isn’t standing here right now, whether I like it or not Mr. Fix Up is getting a bunch of my energy.

Put even more succinctly, I want my mojo balance back.

I want to meet Mr. Fix Up. I want to see if he’s my man and move forward with him or I want to move on and meet my man. Or, I want to at least get to the place where I am just “over it” like the place I finally got to with Shy-Guy. At least with Shy-Guy I understand what the problem is.

Shy-Guy is sweet. So sweet. So nice. So kind. So, damn it all, probably not right for me in the end that it’s annoying. But, he has the most amazing energy ever. The kind of energy that reflects such a beautiful, tender soul that it makes me want to curl up in his soul like a warm blanket and start a fire in him that we can sit next to for a very long time. This makes it hard to stop being physically and spiritually attracted to Shy-Guy. (Gawd, who even says things like that? Spiritually attracted?)

But, even while I have not completely given up on Shy-Guy, and cannot stop being attracted to him, I have mostly let go. My energy, at least, isn’t clogged up by him anymore. I’ve figured out that Shy-Guy and I are probably no more right for each other than peanut butter and pickles on toast.

If you are still not getting it, in that P & P on T example I am both the peanut butter and the pickles and he's the toast. Yes, in plain English, my big personality would eat his shy personality alive and he’d probably never bring his light out from underneath his bushel. Hmm. What a shame.

So for the girl who hasn't wanted to open her life up to someone in a long time, but wants to do so very much now, to have blinders on for some guy who doesn’t seem to be in the same place when it comes to meeting someone, has left me with this mis-guided energy.

Good golly, mis-guided energy? That really does sound like a disease. Harrumph. Maybe I will meet my man when I go out with Chloe tonight. That’d be nice.

You should know, I really do appreciate patience in a man, but, one more time, patience is one thing. Courting is another. Too much patience during any courting process is, even in a potential fix up… Well, let’s just say it isn’t a turn on.

Maybe I am different, but now that I am older, and I know who I am, I know I want. I want a man who knows how to show a woman he’s interested. Waiting to get things off the ground doesn’t do that. I fear repeating myself, yet again, but even while a month is not that long, it is long enough for me to start to wonder if Mr. Fix Up even wants a woman in his life right now.

It’s okay if he doesn’t. Remember? It’s not personal. But I’d really like whatever it is that is holding him up to get figured out so that I can get unclogged.

I need wine. Where’s Chloe? It’s time to go out!

I came home early to sleep because my neighbors kept me up and I was so tired I was nauseous, but now that I’ve had a nap, I’m ready to roll! Let's get this party started!


Keep being fabulous!