Whoohsy, Whooshy, Watt

So, whooshing away here still...with work, with the shitty neighbor's noise (they still haven’t gotten their F'n carpet yet. Jerks!), with life... But, I'm loving the good wooshes in my life.

Watt, Watt, Watt. Smile. Sigh satisfied. Oh, how I am dig'n this thing with Watt.

I am having fun. (I'm also a big ol' annoying girl, but we'll get to that.) Last week Watt and I laid in bed all night laughing about goat farts. Okay, so I am the one who brought up goat farts, and it was mostly me doing the laughing--hysterically, then Watt was laughing at me laughing uncontrollably.

I get into these laughing spasms, see, where something strikes me funny, and I can't stop myself from laughing. I am like a hyena on crack, or like a kid being tickled. It gets to the point where you don't even have to actually tickle me any more (meaning, you don't have to do the thing or say the thing that made me start laughing in the first place). You just gotta get close and act like you're going to tickle my funny bone, barely, or mention or motion towards me (just say the word "goat" and leave off the fart part) and away I go laughing for another five minutes.

Why goat farts? Um... probably because A. goat farts are funny, and B. because for some reason I started thinking about how my neighbor Chad (of the good-neighbor clan) had told me about something that had to do with goat farts, and I couldn't remember what it was, but, just the thought of something being funny about goat farts, even if I couldn’t remember what, was funny enough for me. (Again, ya just gotta get close...)

Turns out Chad's original reference was a line from the movie Reno 911. Some guy in the movie (I haven’t seen the movie, so I could be misquoting Chad’s quote) said something to the effect of: They smell like a goat that was raised in a fart. Now that's hilarious. After I asked Chad to tell me what the "goat fart" thing was, I wrote the line down on a post-it, so I could remember and tell Watt what I had been meaning to laugh about that night. Then, every time I walked by the post-it on my counter-top, I didn’t even have to read it over again. I just would just start laughing hysterically at the sight of the pale, yellow paper stuck flat and pushed up a bit.

This is where I am a spaz. What a thing to laugh about, goat farts, after you've just had one of the best org-- Err...wait. Still not at that point where I can do full disclosure here about every detail of my life, let alone my sex life (now that it involves someone else). As a writer, I think I still prefer to hide behind the fiction of a character's emotion and experiences instead of divulge my every truth as "my" truth, but I am inching my way there respectfully. (I might be a bit of a character, but I'm still real and a blog is very public, so whoa, there. Easy and slow does it.)

But, let's say that Watt and I do get to the point where I give him my blog address and I let him read away on what I've written about him and me, and about me exclusively (even if I'm still a total chicken sh!t of a truth teller and what I've divvied up thus far up ain't that much), I'm sure he wouldn't mind me saying that he is an amazing lover. (What guy would have a problem with that?) In other words, I don't have to go searching for my satisfaction. He's able to find it for me and deliver it with my body left blazing.

Oh, the talent that man has.

And his kisses, and those lips. I am so not done with being in love with his lips. That love affair started the day we met. I don't think I'm ever going to tire of those lips and he can thank them for us spending time together.

I'm sure a lot of the satisfaction I've been experiencing with Watt is probably also because of the connection we had from the beginning. Or, maybe it is due to the deepening connection we've been building--or that I am thinking we are building because I am a girl and we over-analyze EVERYTHING. (Yes, folks. This is why I like to write. I get to, in my own little way, put those obsessive girl skills to some good.) Either way, I've got no complaints about Watt and I. NONE!

LIAR!

Okay, we'll get to my lies in a sec, but I think I've reached the limit on what I have to say right now as it involves someone else were sex is concerned. I can't push it on what I’m comfortable with in the way of respecting Watt's privacy. So, that's that. The rest about this great sex is best kept between Watt and me.

Trust me, there may be other things that come up related to sex, which do not relate to Watt, that I will be willing to share plenty about. I've got no sexual hang ups, that I know of. (Well, I have always hated the P word--the one that you can call a cat--and have told every man I'm with, "Don't say that word unless you want to turn me off." Otherwise, sexually, I am healthy. Sex is healthy. It's great. Getting it is great. Getting great sex is even better. My advice? Yes. Get good sex.

Back to me being the liar we all know I am, I actually do have some complaints. But it's not about Watt, not exactly. Well, it is, but not he's a man (women complain about men, it's what we do). So... little known fact (or maybe I'm just the one finding out) them spiritual ones, the guys who don't sign up to life like most men, they are always intense and wonderful and passionate, But they are also living life on their own time, and so much in their own way, that they are annoying as hell. (Ava was a bit nicer when she put that little reality back out there for me. However, I so agreed that I had to punctuate just now in my own special way.)

But all this, it's me, more about me, about me being a girl, knowing what I want, not knowing what I want, wanting what I don't want, and wanting what I do want but am afraid to want.

Exactly. What the hell does that all mean? (F'n hate this girl stuff sometimes.)

On that note, not knowing what the what?, I don't know if it is where I have come to as a person (how I have grown), or who Watt is (how he affects me, or I him), but we seem to have a calming effect on each other all the while all this calm seems to be driving me nuts, too. That is to say, that when we are with each other I am calm. (Key clarification.) When I am not with him...

Regardless, I’ve not been behaving as I usually do when I’m in the middle of something with someone. Not yet, anyway, but I am about to!

Too vague? What do I mean?

Look, sorry. But, we're going to go through this a lot right now with this post, me being a little mushy brained on things and jacking up my points. Anyone who takes on a new man and job within weeks/months of each other is bound to get brain freeze and have their usual intelligence seize up a bit.

What I was getting at, am trying to get at, in the way of how I am different with Watt, is that by now I usually have to ask a man, or have already asked, by the 3rd date (or earlier): Where is this going? Are you seeing someone else? What are you looking for in a relationship? And on and on I need to ask. Alright, maybe I don't ask that soon, but I want/need to know.

Just gotta know, man. How do our worlds fit together?

After I ask my questions, I lay down my laws. I don't explicitly say this is the law. You need to call this much, or do this when, or don’t do that or else this. I hint at what the girl laws, what the "me" laws are. Then, once I'd put the can-ya-do-it-this-way (and read my mind while you are at it) playbook out there, I’d hope that my hints were understood.

Of course, with the few men I've shared me and my time with in recent years (okay, with all men), I’d have to stop hinting and start asking straight out. We all know, even the best and smartest of men are thick. Repeating hints never works. Again, men don’t get figure-me-out girl gray; they get black and white. Half the time they don't even get black and white. I'm not saying they are stupid, I am saying they are men and are wired different. Actual mental MacGyvers they are not.

You have to have to clearly state, and hang neon lights on it, what you need and want and figure out if your needs and wants can be met by the man in question. It needs to be clear: This hurts my feelings when…or I need this this way…or…or…

It's kinda like get'n what you want with sex. "Oh, yeah, baby. Do that. Faster. Slower. Now faster. (Can you say ROAD MAP, please!)

But I am not hinting with Watt. I've got no laws, no need to fit things into a template.

You know what? Sometimes, I wonder if Pinocchio is my twin. That wasn't even bold faced as a lie. It was pathetically transparent. Oh, I've got the laws alright. Girls never lose their laws. But, I haven’t felt as much of a need to lay them down. (My nose hurts.) More truthfully, I don't want to lay them down, yet.

I'm sorry, did someone just burn the fear patty cooking on the grill?

Part of the calm I feel is that Watt is just not the kind of man who'd double up on his dating or dipping. (Gawd, if I find out different, we're gonna smell something else burning on the grill.) So? Why ask what I already know in my knowing and what he's already said in so many words. He's a straight shooter.

And, while we've not gotten to the titles yet (you’re my boyfriend, I am your girl friend), or may never get to them, I know for certain that neither of us is seeing anyone else nor wants to. Correction, I might want to, eventually, or I do not want to now--it's about remaining open--but my remaining open is not what we're going with this tangent.

I can feel it building in me, though, this girl-need crap that's a come'n, with or without my consent. I really hate the insecurity that comes with having girl parts and girl hormones. But, I'm a girl. Suck it up.

I feel broken some times, being a girl, if you want the truth, since just cuz I am a girl I start leaking out of no where and don't know why the pipes have broken half of the time. That's why I am going to need this “guy I am seeing" to pee on me in some way soon. I am going to need him to claim his territory, to title me and/or to give me some kind of definition, or at least some indication that he wants others to know I'm his and wants to show me off as his. This way I can see if what we have going between us will keep working for me. Right now I'm questioning how much this is working. (Apparently, a girl just wants to be claimed, to know her guy wants every one else to know what great fish he's gotten.)

Mostly, I don’t mind taking it all as it comes with Watt. That's the truth. No lie. Sincerely. How could I not? So far I really like how it is coming. Yes, yes. I was referring to the sex, too, if you were wondering. Anyway, to that end, leaning into the way Watt's wind is blowing towards me, all I've said to him, in the way of hinting or girl-law laying down, is, "I am not going to expect from you. I will just react to what you do."

Basically, I let Watt know that I want him to do what he wants to do. I don't want him to do something because I've asked or implied that he should do whatever it is one way or another. I told him that if what he's doing, or not doing, ever hurts my feelings, or doesn't work, I'll tell him.

But, again, some things with him, they are not working. There are parts of us squeaking and clinking and clattering, like a loose party in the car rattling on down the freeway. You can ignore that sound for only so long. Eventually, turning the radio up doesn't cut it. But I've put off telling Watt we've got a rattle because I am afraid for things to change, for things to go away.

Yeah, I can admit it, I haven't had good, connected sex in over three years, here. (Damn picky chick that I am; it's my own fault.) You gotta give a girl a break for wanting to keep it up, especially when the sex is so satisfying, so connecting, so reminding of why it is that it's awesome to get to be human and exchange energy in that way.

I also told myself that if what he's doing or not doing ever hurts my feelings, and I’ve told him as much, and he keeps doing or not doing it, he'll see my towel thrown in. I just don't do B.S., or quietly fade to gray, and I can't go against myself and what I need, even if for a while I try to convince myself that I can. (That is the one thing I am unable to lie about.)

After all, part of what hurts is when we hold on to someone, or something in us, that we are afraid to loose. Loss is not always bad. In my experience, when we're less afraid, we don't hold on as tight. It's when we go against our deep desire to live authentically (ignore our need to live true to ourselves) that we start to cling, which then causes us to ache. Tightening our grip to something we know isn't good for us, or letting go of something that is good, perhaps because of fear, is, either way, ultimately the cause for most of our pain and grief.

That's why everyone who's gotten smarter than us always says: Let go. Letting go is letting in.

Think about it. Have you ever been struggling financially or were barely getting by in one way or another, but you'd never been happier? Or have you ever been busier than you've ever been but never felt more relaxed? In those situations, or in any situation where one might find themselves unexpectedly in a circumstance that, on the surface, would usually be stressful (yet, they were blissful), a person (most likely) is living authentically. Or their drunk, or high. And that makes everything feel good. Yeah?

Working towards, or on, or within something one loves makes a person feel balanced. Why wouldn't that make someone feel good? Being in sync with the universe and with one's purpose is the best feeling, ever!

That's why I think writing is my purpose. No matter what is happening in my life, or what I am writing about (could be the worst thing ever, like having sand rubbed in my eyeballs, or the best, like knowing what good friends I have), just putting words to paper and changing a comma around, then putting it back, and just knowing speil chck is sometimes a choice and a liberation of the ego when I don't do it, when I let go of perfection just so I can get a post out, it all makes my blood pressure go down. It makes me feel human to write, to feel the keys under my fingers and watch the words from my brain let loose on a screen. I feel like me. Good.

We all feel relaxed when we align ourselves with what really matters, do we not? When we respect our own personal truth, isn't that the best? One thing I can promise, with a lot of confidence, is that most of the time the things one thinks matter, don't. Not money, not prestige, not a title. Not unless those things are the by-product of the thing that really does matter.

Getting back to my Watt, and to what I think I've said before, I am of the school where all men should realize that a woman is easy as hell to get if she likes a guy and if he does the right things to woo her. But, after the guy has gotten the girl, he can’t just sit on his ass. He’s gotta keep on keeping on and keeping up to keep her.

Sadly, though, because men are built to spread their seed like a spit shot, a man, any man, will do anything to get any woman that makes his need to seed swell. Thus, as Ava and I were discussing, if a man is not at the place in his life where he wants to hold onto a woman and make her happy, if he's not in a place where he wants to settle down, he won't make any changes for any girl. He won't adapt.

The trick is, for the woman to like herself enough to know what she can adapt to and what she cannot while she's making her way to her readiness (whatever that means for her). When a woman is living true to herself (when she's all done crapping on herself) she's harder to keep when a man stops wooing her and/or when/if he starts doing all the wrong things.

Insecure women? Women who have not signed up to themselves, oh, a guy can crap in their lap and they’re still easy to keep if they like a guy enough. But the confident woman, the one who knows she is worth it and who understands that a man’s actions show her whether or not he gets how much she is worth, she hangs out her "No crapping here" sign. She knows that a man's actions show her whether or not the guy she is with is in the same place in life where she is

We've covered this. Thanks to Jen's dad, we know, without any doubts, that words can lie, but actions, they have integrity.

That's why it is important to know what one wants. And, if after one has communicated as much, if, after a couple of specifics have been laid out, a few needs and wants are communicated clearly, more gaps get gouged than comforts cradled--b'cause the guy obviously doesn't want to be the guy to support that's woman's beauty--white will go to black and the confident woman doesn't look back.

It's true. Just ask me. I've had my girl moments, but I've learned to be confident (even when I didn't feel it) and there always comes a point with me where if how I am getting treated starts going gray, I just cannot stay. I can't.

I have also learned that when it comes to letting a man know what the wrong and right things are, what will work for you/what will not, we all become rookies and go back to hinting. Duh! We’re afraid. We fear saying whatever it is, out right, because what if we don't get it?

What if we aren't good enough to get it? What if we know we're good enough, but we're afraid the guy won't know it? Yes, yes. If the guy doesn't know it, he sucks. But we're in girl town here, and girl town is crazy-ass insecure and questioning. So we test the waters. We see if the first couple of dips let us know it is safe to jump in, to take a real swim.

That's reasonable, though, easing into things, making sure there aren’t any bricks lurking below the surface that we might hit our head on if we were to dive in. But, eventually, hopefully, most women will reach a point where if the relationship they are having with their self first is a good one, that relationship will demand that they expect their other relationships to be just as good.

They say that home is where the heart is. Which to me means that a good home, the only true home, starts at the source (with oneself), not with the visitors. So if you let someone else into your heart, into your home, whether they are just visiting for a while, or planning to stay forever, they need to respect all the precious valuables in your home. ALL OF THEM. No negotiation.

My problem? I know how precious my heart is. I know how valuable the love I have to offer is. I know I am worth it. Still, I am human and I have fear.

BTW, I am well aware that I am repeating myself, and things, a lot, to get to what I am trying to say. For that, I am sorry. I think I am struggling here and this has become a little more journal than blog, but I am going to keep going to see what I am trying to come up with, and to become clearer on what I need that I am apparently not giving myself.

Okay, let me try to spin it again... When I am with Watt, in the Now with him, I don't need any answers. I have, right in front of me, everything I need to know in that moment and if there was anything I thought I needed to know before, to settle up, or to figure out, it goes away. I forget. Or, I don't care anymore. I know how I feel. I just want to be there, with him. I can feel him just wanting to be with me. When I am away from Watt my knowing doesn't need answers, either. Mostly. Well, it didn't need answers until recently.

Lately, some of my knowing has gotten clobbered by my girl and by my fear and by itself. My knowing has had the notion that Watt is not going to be around forever, see. And, I could be just reacting to fear. I don't know.

Ava reminds me that having that thought is bringing that thought and that outcome, and I agree, to an extent. Thoughts do become things as good ones and bad ones attract more good and bad energy.

But, in my humble opinion, thoughts aren't always pound for pound. For example, you think bad day so you get another bad day. Thoughts, to me, are more like you think bad day so your perception sees and feels everything in that day as being bad and so there it goes, it is as if nothing but bad comes your way that day.

But sometimes, as I've learned in my life, with my weird/good intuition, thoughts sometimes don't go away because the thought isn't a thought at all. The notion, the feeling, the pit in the gut(bad) or the gift in the heart (good) being experienced, it is one's knowing. It's like it was there, it was something else that existed on it's own, before it became a thought, too.

And that's where, as an extra day goes by (just one day too long that Watt doesn't call or text, where I don't know what’s up from down and I find myself mad that the precious little time we might have together is being wasted by his guy-ness. To put it out there, not as a thought but as a notion, I don't think Watt is temporary, I feel it. And, every time he does his stupid play-it-cool-guy stuff, I'm only reminded more of what I don't want to accept.

What sucks is, that once that time-too-long ticks with Watt, after that extra day spans, or that text isn’t returned soon enough, it's not just about my knowing, or a thought, or accepting what may be, or already is (or even accepting this could all be fear) I'm just, instantly, turned into a girl.

GIRL-GIRL! I am suddenly not fine any more. I go from being the girl who knows, or who doesn't, or who doesn’t need to know what’s what right Now, to the girl who wants her friggen answers. I become the girl with the ego who needs definitions to hold onto, who needs strokes to pad her ego. My ego starts to yell, "You! There! What's your name? Watt? You need to fill in some of my human gaps, eh?!"

It's like the sex is so good that the part of me which knows this is my polo field, those are my divots to fill, goes to goo and turns me into this girl who wants to go play with puppies and unicorns in the land of Watt. "Yeah, you, Watt! Be a big strong man for me, huh? Allow me to stop being conscious and to stop practicing at the every day of where I've gotten to (and worked so damn hard to get to) and just sweep me off my feet already! Come on, what are you waiting for?!!!"

Good gawd, everything evolved in me wants to obliterate the part of my physiology that is designed to procreate the species and is supposed to go to goo when two people get it on. Can't blame my thighs and my I got hot, though. Shoot, if we didn't get/go stupid because of sex we'd be extinct by now, we humans. Honestly. If we were smarter, less sex-induced/goo-brained, we'd never put up with each other's crap, would we?

Plus, I know it all doesn’t work the ego way. We can't just nail it down cuz we want it. (Although, there is plenty I'd like to put a hammer to.) But I start to want to box and label things anyway.

That pisses me off more than you can imagine!

Then, because I want more of Watt, more of us, these open girl ends start to cause my girl bottoms to drop out.

Disclosure: I’d fooled myself into believing that because Watt is much younger than I am, and because I haven’t yet felt that he is the one, that I'd not let myself need from him, I’d not let myself want from him as much as I might let myself want and need from a man who felt more like the one. I'd not let myself hope he was the one or become the one.

What a fool I am. Total idiot! Yeah, right!? Remember? I AM A GIRL! A SILLY, WALKING, TALKING GIRL! And I became capable of not being a girl when?

You know, if I beleive I am capable of stopping being a girl, maybe I should grab my puppy and see if we can round up those unicorns. Maybe we'll find a leprechaun, too.

Girl or not, we humans...we need, we want, and we let regardless of whatever restrictions we impose upon ourselves. That's the beauty of being human. We rarely get to choose what we are going to feel, no matter how much we think we can map it all out. That’s what gets us into position for learning... it is those clobbers, those beautiful falls and leaps. Our minds, or our hearts, or both, make a right when we thought we were going left.

Ava reminded me, and I thought she was magnificent for doing so, that we lead with our hearts. She's right. Imagine if we led with our brains, if ego (the brain) was at the helm instead of the heart (the core). We'd never get anywhere. We'd rationalize away, fear away, and stop any step that didn't support or stroke our ego. (F'n brains!)

That's what all this is about. I have been getting clobbered by Watt. He did something so nice then did a bit of a u-turn that it jacked me up. He didn't do an ass thing, not totally, he just acted like what he is: a guy.

He, as Ava also spelled out and reminded me, acted in the moment, then acted a bit different in another moment. That's what guys do, she went on. They're like dogs. They see a ball and chase it. A meaty bone diverts their attention, they go to devour that. The ball comes back, the bone can wait. Oh, now look, there's a cat. Screw the ball and bone. Get that cat. Oh, a girl dog, might want a different bone. (That was in the span of five guy minutes.)

Which is why I'd had no way of knowing how much it would mean to me to get the recent message Watt left for me, letting me know how much fun he’d had with me again and how much being with me relaxes him. He’d said our night/morning together had put him in such a good and relaxed mood the whole next day…

And I had no way of knowing how much it would hurt me that, when next we spoke, not soon after, he didn’t ask to see me in the middle of the week. He had said he didn’t want to wait too long to see me again, and had wanted to see m in the middle of the week. It was the last thing he said to me when he kissed me in the morning and went on to spend the day that left him so relaxed. And after his message later that night, letting me know about how relaxed he had been, etc., I thought for sure we’d make a mid-week date the next time we spoke.

But, no.

And that’s what I get for going and expecting, huh? Silly girl. Men react to what they are feeling in the moment. Dear, wonderful Ava reminded me of that, too. And, even though I usually know this shit, I can't seem to get enough distance on what I'm feeling. I've been blinded by the good sex and the spiritual, wonderful boy I started to want to be the one.

How could a girl not feel all wobbly? Why would I be different than any other girl? When you are in it (yes, Ava, you did so balance me with our conversation and remind me of this, too) you get all googly and girl lame.

BTW, oh how I am appreciating a great friend in my life right now (Ava) who can be a man for me. Well, who can remind me of man mechanics to get the perspective I need to get less girl gooey and lopsided.

Still... See me reacting to Watt just the same? See Jane stir, and growl, and fear, and be oh so f’n not accepting and instead more so pushy and weird? See Jane go whoa and feel her human-ness?

Sighhhhhh...

We've not known each other that long, Watt and I, if you think about it. So Watt seems to be the right amount of concerned for where we are at in this(this relationship?) right now. Yet, I moved in with Mr. Gold standard around this amount of time, so there’s that I shouldn’t be comparing my situation with Watt to. But I am, anyway, because that's what a girl does when her rationality is being clouded by amazing lips, and hope.

Hope is great, isn't it? (Oh, hope. Take a nap you bastard!)

A lot of what may be going on is that the courting style Watt’s generation has given him is starting to clash with the girl that was formed by my generation’s courting lessons. I was taught not to chase. That’s the man’s job. It’s his right. Therefore, I can’t chase. It’s like being taught not to be late, so I am not. But girls Watt’s age, they chase. They call boys more. In all my totally serious relationships, I never had to chase.

More crap. A girl never has to chase when it is the wrong guy. Whatever. Now is Now. I won’t chase.

But, I am trying to call Watt more. Chad said I should call him more and stop being so my age and so damn stubborn. I should at least call more than I’d ordinarily call a man at this point and throw him a damn bone. Yet, I'm finding it hard.

I am trying to find the balance between what Watt might need or expect from any girl (forgetting our 14 year age difference) versus what he’s been getting from a woman (me) who has been trying to unbind herself from an upbringing steeped in lessons from grandmothers, and women before them, who said the man is the hunter…let him hunt. I'm also the woman who has the whole actions/versus words thing practically tattooed on her chest.

I can't help but beleive this tattoo on my heart and on my truth. Black is still black and white is still white. If a guy wants to call, he calls. If a guy wants to see you, he asks. If a guy wants to make you happy, he does.

The whole truth? The extra-super-duper real truth, beyond the writer? I’m getting scared. Remember I said in the beginning that I had some ideas of how long this thing with Watt would last? I’d mentioned it, and I had said I had a few ideas, and I've gone as far as weighing thoughts versus notions, the knowing, but I have not said what those ideas were. Well, it’s coming out now.

Here it goes: I never expected, still don’t expect, Watt and I to last forever. Two people were never more suited, on so many levels, for each other. But, deep down, from the beginning (even though I’ve tried to ignore it) I’ve felt that our age is going to be our demise. Not because he doesn’t call me or woo me as much as an older man (near my age) might. Not because he wants society to take a flying F’, doesn’t pay some of his parking tickets, and refuses to have a job that requires him to sit in a cube. No! I love that about him! I love that we both secretly want to ditch all of our earthly goods and get out of the rat race.

My problem is, I am realistic. That's the point. I want a grown up.

Wait. Wrong words. Sometimes Watt is more grown up than me in some ways. Sometimes when I am with him I feel like his soul is older than dirt and I am just an old but newbie soul next to him. Damn, that is what attracts me to him, that he's not where I am, not as bogged down by the rules I've allowed society and responsibility to saddle me with and his soul gets things at his age I've taken 40 years to figure out.

Still, I’ve never had white-night syndrome. I can take care of myself. But, while I’ve never been a money grubber, or wanted to be saved, I want to feel like more of a girl around Watt. I feel like a girl plenty when it comes to our soul connection. But I don't get to feel like the girl in other ways.

What I mean is, part of what I adore about Watt is that he cares more about growing himself and his garden, and cares more about the world’s pollution problems than putting on airs, but my age, my understanding that life works slightly different than how you might want it to work sometimes, my being kicked around by life a little more at this point, and my having been forced to sign up to more responsibility than I care to because no one else has been on my team for a while, wants a teammate, and maybe even a bit of a team captain, and feels Watt may not be on my team.

I could be wrong, but I do not think he's not ready. Not for me right now, maybe not for any girl. He may know who he is, in his soul, but I get the feeling that he doesn't know who he is with someone else yet.

I need someone who is capable of a good volley, or who is capable of carrying the ball, stepping up (and providing the team with health insurance) if the ball slips out of my hand for a bit. I don’t want a hand out from the man of my dreams. I just want to hold his hand. I want us to do it together and I need to know that when life’s curve-balls come, my man has got my back like I’ve got his.

Right now, it feels like Watt would rather wash my back than get my back. (Sexy, but not something I can close my eyes and fall back to.)

Then there is the issue of kids. Watt and I have not talked about kids (whether either of us wants them). I can’t say whether or not I even know if Watt does want them. There was a quick exchange once that we'd had in a conversation (and I can't remember the specifics) where I got the impression from him that he does not want children.

But, Watt works with kids. That tells me that while he may not think he wants to have a child of his own (based on my impressions that could be wrong), or he may not want to start a family now, any man who works with kids is a man who is probably, eventually, is going to want kids.

Which means that by the time he’s ready for kids, or realizes that he wants kids, I am going to be too old to have them (whether I want them or not). Which also means that at some point he’s probably going to stop himself from letting go because down deep, even if he can’t put his finger on it and even while he has said, all along, “Age is just a number. Our bodies are just our shells,” his knowing knows, like mine, that our age and our state of readiness matters.

It shouldn’t matter. People say age is just a number. But, yeah. It's a number. Numbers add up or don't. That's why I really think our age is going to matter.

But, having/not having kids, our age difference, isn’t even the real issue I’m dealing with. What’s happening now is that I’m getting scared that I am wanting more. Not more than he wants right now (in the big picture way) but more than I think I’m going to get in my I'm-so-intensely-passionate way.

I know what Watt and I have more than he does. And this ain't my girl making shit up to make it seem more important than it is. I'm telling you, when Watt and I are together it's something special. That's why I don't care what the future is. That's why I am so basked in his Now, in our Now. I can feel the energy between us. (Remember? I am sensitive to those things.)

That's also why I’m mad that my gut, maybe even my intuition, which won’t sign up to what I want and what I can feel between us. I want longer than not that long. And not that long is what I have felt, from the beginning, was going to be my relationship with Watt.

I know sensing we weren’t/aren’t going to last for a long time really does sound like fear talking, but this is not my fear. What I fear is that no matter how open I want to be, and have become, I can’t and haven’t sensed something different than what I’ve been sensing all along. Watt is a blinking light for me, not a beacon.

That’s tough. It even sux.

Here I am, and my heart is being pulled forward by us. I am open and I am willing. I am not falling in love, but I am falling in and letting go and I’m wanting to fall in love and wanting, so much, for Watt to fall in love with me so I can fall, too, even if it is just for a short while. Everything in my realm of passion does not know how to hold back, especially when I can feel our intensity when we are physically present together.

I know part of why I need him to fall is to soften the blow of the gravity that has been dragging me away from him from the beginning, and I know I need to add to my short bus ego that doesn't care brain...heart, reason, just cares get stroked, come out on top. But no matter how much I want to feel like we’re going to last longer, it doesn’t feel that way.

I know that sounds weird, but whatever this is, this acceptance that he’s just for Now—a temporary gift—and not forever, that I’ve had, from our first date even, this desire to hold on tight to something that might have been meant to slip away before it was ever mine, is what and where I am reacting from, more than girl fear.

And every call of his that takes too long, and every action from him being held back, to all the words I can see him feeling but not expressing, just pile in together, like wood to a fire, to further emblazon that this-is-just-for-Now feeling I’ve had.

I want to be wrong so much. I want this to be some other kind of fear rather than a notion. I keep hoping I'll fall, he'll fall, I'm wrong about the tentativeness of it all, but I've had a right guy in my life before for a longer time, that's why I feel like this might be the right guy for shorter.

But I am not ready to give this up yet and every day I feel my self holding onto something slipping away.

It's like Ava and I were talking about. There comes that point in every relationship, starting, getting off the ground, for however long, where someone breaks. Someone has fallen deeper than the other person. Or, someone can't take the pace and wants to go faster, slower, whatever-er more. And, that's when it happens. Someone does a temperature check.

That someone is going to be me, and soon. I am going to break first. I'm going to need to address my authentic needs and say, "Hey! I want more with the right guy and if he is not you, well, shit!"

Yet, I am so afraid of breaking this thing because I have had that feeling that if/when I break it, there is no turning back. It will be done. It won't fade. I will have exposed a crack in how uncertain what we have is and everything will just fall through and drop off.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not afraid of being wrong, or right. Whatever this is will show itself and end it self or grow it self. Plus, I’d love it if I was wrong and my sense for this thing with Watt were to change and become more than it is. Shoot, I don’t care age, babies, no babies, any of it. We are supposed to jump into our lives. Yes? So if you crack your head, you crack your head. Hell, no one ever hoped for less love in their life. Let's crack some heads and hearts and let the light in!

Yet, yet, yet... here I am trying not to break. Here I am convincing myself I can hold onto something when my holding of it is not how something keeps. Here I am trying to ignore what I might already know…

Even if I don't know, Watt is so beautiful, but all his actions are not that signed up. So, ouchy girl fear get'n bruised.

But, if my sense is right, if I have to give this thing up with Watt sooner than I want to, if I break, the crack will just shine more beautiful light in. I know that. I also know I will need that light to guide me further on my path, even if Watt won’t be walking with me anymore.

All right. Shit! F! Damn it! I know what I’ve been trying to figure out now. I know what all these repetitive thoughts and lame duck tangents have been about... It’s time to break. Let the light shine on in.

Let it go. Let’s do this thing and see what cracks!

I’ve got to jump in deeper with Watt to see how deep this can go or face the fact that this is not where I should be.

Oh, and while I am going to sign off with the usual: Keep being fabulous! (I know I am about to get even more fabulous by leaping),there has already been a development, of sorts, with Watt before I finished editing this post. Days go by sometimes before the start/finish of a post. But, I am going to post this post anyway, as is, and then get to the development when it finishes unfolding more clearly, and we'll see how how the folds lay themselves out.

Watt! WTF?! You are confusing right now.