Men...

Okay, so here I am all ready to throw in the towel. I'm in this place where I have come to my girl conclusion that my annoyance w/ Watt outweighs my attraction and my connection to him (the waiting too long for calls, the: he's a guy...he's not getting my hints, or my out-right can-ya-do-this-for-me please pleas are getting old) and, then, he does it again. He's him. Amazing. Good. Beautiful.

He calls up, I hear his voice, I forget what I am annoyed about, or, I remember but don't care anymore (or, I'm sick of being a silly, insecure girl and I want to be the evolved me that doesn't have gender again) and I can make it another week or more with him. I'm not so annoyed. I'm suddenly planning a future with Watt once more and don't care our age, don't care he's not figured out how I tick yet, and don't care that it all between us doesn't work like a clock yet. Tick, tick, tick, pace, pace, pace, tock, tock, tock. Who cares, the minutes, the age, time...any of it.

Friggen men. Friggen me.

Thanks, Watt, for being you. I am reminded, as Watt even said, but in different words, he's just a man who doesn't know half of what we women intuit or freak out about and we gotta help them out. The way he said it: "Sometimes I'm a guy. We're assholes when we don't even know we're being assholes. (Oh, my Watt. Smile. You make up for it, don't you?)

But, to my credit, and what more so abated my festering energy, is that I blurted out what needed to be said. Well, no, I cleverly maneuvered and angled every point I needed to get across, for me. So that's all I needed and a lot of it (duh!) had nothing to do with Watt.

Another reminder: Nothing is personal. Most of what we can't handle is our own issue(s)/noise. And, we're here to learn, about ourselves and each other.

Thus, lesson not learned, yet, but getting it (more and more): We, our fear, not others, or their actions (or in-actions) are our own worst enemies. (Friggen fear!)

I did need to tell Watt, though, in so many words, don't f' with my intuition. I'm going to get shit and sense things, like it or not. (Trust me, dear Watt, it'll jack with me more than you.)

Which means, don't say you have a family birthday party to go to when you are going to a birthday celebration for a friend that is a girl. I don't care if you have friends who are girls. I'm 40. And, forget my age, I'm not insecure about other women. Never really have been.

Plus, and this is the point, I have mad intuition. The minute you said family I knew it was not a family thing, and I figured you said family so that I wouldn't be jealous or insecure. But, loud and clear now, with my intuition, knowing you said something that was not a complete truth, and not feeling threatened by the untruth, but knowing you switched up reality, that bothers me more than the reason you did it.

But, now Watt knows. He knows that I know, when he, or most folks, are saying something that is not how something is, I may not know why it isn't the way someone is saying it, but I know. Now Watt knows. That's all I needed him to know.

Of course, being that he is a man, I will have to remind him to just say what it is, how it is, when it is, and not change things around because he thinks that's the better/easier choice to protect me, or whatever. But, that's okay. The bulk of it is out there now, what I needed him to know, and the follow up is just doing guy-thick-headed maintenance.

There were a couple of other things I needed Watt to begin to understand, because I am me and while I operate like a girl, I also operate like me (not such a jacked girl), and I also got to communicate those things. So, I'm all good now. In fact, I'm great, especially when Watt reminds me, even means to convince me, that our age does not matter (without me even mentioning our age)

That makes me happy.

I could be wrong, but I when I hear Watt say that our age makes no difference, that, as he put it (as best as I can remember), "It's like there is no such thing as time when it comes to our age...it's as though we were meant to know each other, because we are so much alike, even if we were born so far a part," I feel he's not just saying that age doesn't matter, he's saying so much more.

I feel that is Watt's way of saying: Woman, don't go getting so here and Now on me and discounting what this is between us. I get insecure, too, and 'm doing a little bit of falling as well, so don't get ahead of both of us.

I feel him questioning and searching in me for the answers to the same questions I am looking to answer in him. I feel him wondering: What if this is not just amazing sex and awesome conversations and what if we have a future?

I am seeing Watt tomorrow...

So, I am going to be fabulous, and so well he be! (Oh, yummy, yummy Watt!)