No, really. Surrender.

I guess that's the message life is giving me. I really am going to have to surrender. But how and to what, exactly? For me, it's all getting a little out of whack and I'm not sure how to make sense of it.

Bull#2 writes a review and checks one of the commendable boxes, and uses words like efficient, clear, and concise. Then slips in some personal digs, calls me zealous in my efforts (trust me, it was meant negative), and remarks about my time away from the office.

I really shouldn't have scheduled a training session in advance of a meeting Bull#2 wanted to invite me to and I shouldn't have taken the approved vacation time this holiday season that would be taking place whilst another meeting Bull#2 wanted me in attendance for would also be taking place. Oh, and in the last 7 months, there was one or two sick days I called in for, and there were those 2 pre-approved days off for doctors appointments. Man I have, obviously, been abusing my vacation and sick time. What was I thinking?

I also shouldn't have asked one of my former professors to write a letter of recommendation for me for grad school. He'll do it, he said, but he warned me that my art just isn't good enough at this time and that I should expect to have to apply a couple of times and paint some more focussed work before I am actually accepted.

Another wonderful boost to my ego came when one of my close friends, who happens to be going through a lot of tough stuff, unleashed on me. I apparently do and say a lot of annoying things. I'd go into all of the annoying things I've been doing for the last 8+ years, that have been grating on this friend's nerves but weren't worth mentioning until now, but I'm not sure it is necessary.

I'm either that annoying, or not. Either way, I have to accept that this friend needed a place to put all the hurt, anger, frustration, betrayal, abandonment, etc., they are feeling from the events in their life, and, tag, I was the place and my personality was the target.

What sucks the most?

Well, I can take that my boss is an idiot and in sections of my review took out on me many of the boss's own short commings. I can also accept that I may need to look at myself professionally, even if I've never gotten a negative review in my entire life before (even for jobs I hated more).

I can take that I may not be a good enough artist for grad school at this point. That's fine. Getting my BFA in art taught me to have a thick skin as a creative.

And, I can take that one of my good friends either finds me wildly annoying, or moderatly annoying, depending upon where the anger was coming from, and that I may have some personal things worth looking at.

But what I can't take is that I don't quite know what to do with all of this now. It's all a bit much at one time. I am left wondering, how do I surrender to so much negative energy and turn it into useful productive steps? Maybe there are people out there who could essentially be told "You're not good enough," personally, professionally, and creatively, and come out feeling spry, but I feel like life just kick the crap out of me.

Wow! The last half of this year really has been a fabulous learning experience. (Wait?! WTF am I supposed to be learning again? Oh, yeah...Surrender.)